I think I gave birth to Stewie Griffin

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I am fully convinced that this little boy wants to kill me…

Here’s the thing…He is such a cutie pie. My handsome little man…the sunshine of my 5am…But since the day the pregnancy test read “Positive” I believe that he was wanted me dead… #FunnyNotFunny

While we all completely understand that babies are selfish and inconsiderate, I think that my kid purposefully goes the extra mile to prove it…
For instance:
While I was pregnant I think I lost a total of 32 pounds…instead of buying maternity clothes, I was taking in my regular clothes…
Tums and Rolaids was a Food Group…I wish I would have bought stock in both companies, just so I could get back at least half the money I invested in their products…I was never aware of just how much acid could be found in a bottle of Smart water…I GOT HEARTBURN FROM WATER, PEOPLE!!!! WATER!!!!!
I survived the first 5 months of my pregnancy on Tap Water, Frozen Yogurt, and Cesar Salads…

Then around the middle of the 7th month, the pains started…I thought he was trying to claw his way out of my womb…It was like a death match inside my body every night when I tried to go to sleep…I could never get comfortable in one spot for more than 10-15 minutes… Especially whenever I was in the car trying to drive…MY GAWD! He hated when I stayed still…and hated it even more when I moved around…The best was trying to explain to my doctor and the Nurses why I understand that laying on my left side is the best position for circulation…my unborn son does not agree and for the sake of my body, I am going to have to agree with the boss on this matter…

Now let’s fast forward to present day…three weeks after the birth of my lovely little Calamity Smurf…

In the last three weeks I believe that I have have about 127 hours of sleep…Non consecutive…I have changed about 224 diapers…I have been pissed on approximately 32 times, once in the face…I have been shitted on four times *Sigh* Once in the face…and because I am breast feeding my little bundle of joyful headache, my nipples feel as if they are on fire and are going to fall off of my body at any moment. images

I am also convinced that my womb has given up on me…and weather I like it or not, there will never be another human being formed in the depths of my body every again…Whatever resources were stored within me to contribute to human life has been ripped from my body, in the tiny clutches of the hands of my son…

Here’s the thing…I love my kid…I love him with all of my being and I wouldn’t trade him for all the AK’s in Iraq…but  sometimes the truth just needs to be told. Little kids are horrible people..images (1).and if you don’t wrangle them in at an early age they grow up to be horrible adults…But I don’t understand why people are so afraid to tell the truth about what it’s really like and how they really feel about their pregnancy and newborn child…
Pregnancy is the worse part of having a baby…HORRIBLE!!! and newborns are Evil people…God knew exactly what he was doing when he made little kids cute, because if not there would be far less people on this planet.

Or maybe I’m just a sore, sleep deprived mom who needs a nap and a glass of Merlot…

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