Day 10: Support #CaptureYourGrief January 10, 2016

The question is asked “Have you felt supported in your grief journey?” The honest answer is not as simple as Yes or No…I don’t know…I have never asked for support to help me though my sadness and depression. I guess I just expected for the people around me to know that I needed a shoulder to cry on, and when they didn’t offer I didn’t know if I was allowed to ask.

I have always been an independent person who never asked for help unless I had absolutely no other choice. I hate the idea of being in debt to someone because I know deep down they may hold it over my head for a lifetime…or try and use it as a way to take advantage of me for one reason or another. I never asked anyone for help out of fear of seeming to be weak and /or vulnerable. That’s the only way I know how to explain it. I never asked for help or sought out support because I have always been the help and support. I have always been the listening ear, the strong one …the one who survived and overcame every situation I have ever been thrown into…I have always been the one who sucked it and kept things going…No tears, no fears, no weakness.

After we lost our baby I fell into a deep depression…I wanted to die…I stayed in bed for three days…I didn’t eat. Kyle held me and comforted me until he just couldn’t…then on that fourth day I forced myself to pick myself up by the boot straps and pushed forward as if nothing happened. I put my focus on my daughter and on Kyle and into my business…I was like a freight train barreling down a track without breaks…I worked and pushed and accomplished goals…When I lost Kyle it was almost the same thing…I cried day and night, hid under the covers and buried myself for almost a week…and then one day I forced myself up and redirected my focus…I was determined to get my life back to some sort of normalcy…and I was willing to go the distance…non-stop…I moved to a different state, went back to school, got involved in all of my daughter’s school activities…started a new business…

Two years later I have still haven’t sought out a support system or a shoulder to cry on…But I am starting to lose my ability to push forward any longer…

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