Day 3: Before #CaptureYourGrief January 3, 2016

Who were you before _______Died? 

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Me and Kyle Three weeks before we lost our baby

 

Before Kyle and I lost our baby I was happy…We were on our way to being a typical American Pie family…lol Mom and Dad Two kids and a dog…We never told anyone about the pregnancy because we had tried for so long…and we had already lost two before…but this was the longest we had carried…6 months…and there was nothing we wanted to do to jinx it…No announcements, no baby stuff, no nothing…

Before Kyle died I was sad but I was ok…because he was there…My best friend, my backbone…I loved my daughter but she wasn’t my partner…the person I could unload my joy, sadness, ideas, and concerns onto…I was optimistic and hopeful…

Do you miss anything about ______?

I miss EVERYTHING about my Kyle…but the one thing I miss the most was his laugh…it was sooo loud and sooo ridiculous…but it was so genuine. Even if the joke wasn’t funny, if Kyle laughed you laughed…his laugh was infectious…I remember one night we went out to dinner and the waiter said something and Kyle started laughing uncontrollably and soon after the ENTIRE restaurant broke out into laughter…and it just went on and on…

What did you love most about ______?

I loved the way he loved me and my daughter…it was truly unconditional…a love of choice…unforced and free…he loved me through my faults…He loved me through my past hurt and heartbreak…He loved me long and hard…

Did you dislike anything?

I didn’t like his family…well most of them I loved his little brother Collin…Collin was awesome…but the rest of them…I couldn’t stand. They used him and treated him like a cash cow, a fixer…they took from him and never gave anything back. They never called to check on him or to see how he was doing…they only called when they wanted something from him…very selfish people…materialistic and just awful…

Do you see your life as before and after or do you believe that you have always been changing?

Before I met Kyle I think I was just moving so that I wouldn’t stop…After I met Kyle I felt like I had a sense of purpose and I had goals to work towards…I felt Happy and that my life had true meaning…After I lost Kyle I feel like I lost hope…I lost a lot of purpose…now it’s like I live to make sure my daughter is taken care of…but that’s it…I’m not happy anymore…I don’t smile anymore…I wander around in search of making life easy for my daughter and that’s it…

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