Open letter to the Tampon/Maxi Pad Makers

TamponPrize

Dear Mr. Maxi Pad Maker Dude (Cause you are obviously a man …you may even be the same dude that created High Heel shoes),

 I found this picture on the internet quite some time ago and I have been meaning to write this letter to you, but I have been so busy having my period that I guess the PMS must have made it slip my mind or something…

Look I have been shoving your Tampax Pearls up my cunt and lining my panties with your pads for quite some time now…needless to say I am a loyal user of yours and greatly appreciate some of the features. But the idea of coupons for ice cream and candy would be a much better marketing choice than that BS you all have been peddling to us for God knows how many decades…

Your Leak Guard Core™ is a super marvelous thing, but  seriously doubt that it is going to be effective when I am riding in the wind on my horse or salsa dancing in my itty bity white skirt…

None of this is True...

None of this is True…

 And God knows that I would bet money that you Super absorbent Dri-Weave™ is going to save me from embarrassment when I sneeze in the pool on a hot sunny day enjoying mimosas with my hot Beau.MaxiAd7

I must admit to you though my favorite pad feature that you all have created is the Flexi-Wings™…I mean who would have thought how crucial it was to ensure that maxi pads are and should be aerodynamic? I can’t tell you just how safe I feel knowing that I have my own personal F16 parked in my panties!!! MaxiAd3

Ok…Enough with the sarcasm…You have made it quite clear to the world that you, Mr. Maxi Pad Maker Dude, that you have never had the pleasure of going a full week wishing for a death that never comes.MaxiAd9 You have never had the pleasure to be called a “Super Ultra Mega B!tch…” who transforms faster than Optimus Prime on Crack…have you ever instantly developed Satan spawned skills to precisely throw knives and frying pans, at heads…often times rendering you to be left on your own because your family and friends don’t want to be anywhere near you? You have never had the pleasure of precisely calculating your cycle for the last three months only to have “Auntie Flo” show up three days early,MaxiAd8 on a Hot July day because you were being nice to the new girl at the job and this b!tch not only threw off your period, but the periods of every cunt within an 800 foot radius….Now you are hot, sweaty, cranky, Bloated, puffy, and have cramps that makes you want to dig your uterus out of your body with the dirty spoon your just ripped out of the garbage disposal…MaxiAd6oh and you had to bum a pad off of the b!tch that threw you off your cycle in the first place and of course she doesn’t use the sleek tampons you normally use…OH NOOOOO…she uses the “Overnight, Adult Diaper big ass, Body suit pad that comes with straps that you have to pull up over your shoulders because it’s so f^cking big…MaxiAd4

I think it just might be safe to say that there really is a God because he keeps this Earth safe from the Evil, Bipolar, homicidal maniacs in Pencil Skirts and silk blouses EVERY DAY…

HAPPY PERIOD!!! Right?

NO, F^ck you D!ckMaxiAd2

Do you all really think that women see your commercials and think happy thoughts and run out to buy your products? What part of your miniscule middle management brain really thinks that women are thinking “Oh I am sooo pleased to be on my period right now…I think I’m going to go sit on a white horse, wearing a white dress, on the beach on a beautiful sunny day…I mean, unless you are some sort of active hardcore S&M overlord, the chances of you ever being happy AND on your period are slim to none. Me personally, if I want to even come close to being “Happy”, I am more-than-likely doped up on something…Motrin, Pamphrin, Vodka, Crack, Cocaine…Is it legal to buy and use an Epidural without being under the supervision of an anesthesiologist?

MaxiAd5

Let’s make these products more realistic and appealing to those of us who actually have to use them…

First of all Stop with the commercials and ads that feature happy women moving around and being all whimsical and shyt…and all the women who have willingly participated in these ads in the past, should kill themselves…TO-DAY!

Let’s get some women laying around their houses and shifting and moaning because their body’s hurt so much that no matter what position they put themselves into they just can’t get comfortable. MaxiAd10

Or how about we get an ad that features a young lady morphing from a sweet gentle soul into a raging lunatic who goes into her husband’s job with a loaded gun threatening to shoot and kill anything with a penis because the local Wal-Mart ran out of Tylenol3. MaxiAd11  End your commercials with the words: “Vehicular Manslaughter Is Not cool” or “Save Lives. Put Down The Gun”…

Or better yet…Put Drugs and chocolate in the box with your product…Do you know how much your profit margins would spike if women around the world could buy a “Period Kit”? 36 Ultra Plus Tampons, 36 pantie liners a sack of Hershey Kisses (a big fcuking sack), a bottle of Motrin, and a coupon for Ben & Jerry’s (redeemable immediately at the checkout)…ALL IN ONE BOX!!!! MaxiAd12

I’m not going to apologize for the obvious anger behind this letter, considering I just left the store after purchasing all of these items separately and at a ridiculous cost…

Make this sh!t happen in the next 30-42 days, Dude.

Angrily Yours,

T. “Kera” LaShawn

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