To my BFF and her new baby girl…

The idea for this post came to me after reading a list, composed by Buzzfeed.com, titled 12 Jaw-Dropping Ways Your Life Changes After Kids.
Click Here to read the post.

Dear DLW,

Congratulations on your new arrival! I only wish I could have been there with you on the big day.

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You and your baby girl will cross many many mile-stones throughout the next 18+ years so let me be the first to give you some idea of what awaits your journey.

babypricetag

Kiss your money goodbye.
According to CNN Money, the average child will cost their parent(s) $241,080…From birth to 18…this is an estimate on how much it will cost you to provide the basics to keep the little one alive and clean…This does not include college not dose it include the first car or the cells phones your little girl will “NEED, or I’m gonna diiieee!!!”

little_girl_on_phone

No I’m home cause THEY won’t buy me a cell phone!

Get over your diaper disgust
Diaper changing for your little one will literally equate to a full time job…in your lifetime you will spend about three 40-hour workweeks knee deep in little people piss/poo…3,796 diapers

daddy-gasmask

What is this sex you speak of?

sleep_is_new_sex_270

Sleep is the new Sex

As if having a new baby isn’t enough to make you not EVER want to have sex again in your life…FamilyLives.com poled parents and found that aprox. 86% have sex less often after having kids…and 73% of parents say that their sex lives took a turn for the worse

Invest in a TV and comfy chair for your laundry room
You are going to spend about 5-6 months (non-consecutive) of 18 years washing clothes…and because you have a girl it will probably be more, because little girls change their clothes an average of 2-3 times a day, every day…This is now your life.

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Theory

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Actuality

126,044 is the distance halfway between Earth and the Moon
Until Baby girl is old enough to drive herself this is the estimated miles you will be driving her…Gives a whole new meaning to “To the Moon Alice…to the moon”

classic

Lets see how fast delirium kicks in
The first year of baby’s life you will lose, on average, 44 days worth of sleep…You don’t know tired until you see 1am, 2am, 3:46 am and 4:22 am all in the same 24 hour period…All the tricks in the world will not get you any sleep…oh the baby will get sleep, but as soon as the car stops, washer/dryer stops, swing stop, or your arms go into complete muscle failure from rocking, the little one will be wide awake AND. SO. WILL. YOU!

cryingbaby-300x206 photo-12 Sleep-deprived-parents

Your body will change
There is nothing you can do to deter the change your body will go through after you make a human inside of it…You are going to hurt more and get hurt easier…your knees and elbows are going to make popping noises, and your boobs are going to go from full and high to WTF…invest in high waist jeans and underwear that looks like body armor a bathing suit.

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Mom Jeans, cause dammit they’re comfy!

Don’t sweat the small stuff
While those things may seem trivial, at best, the good things about you new bundle will make it all worth it. The joy you get when you little one reaches the many milestones in her life…crawling, walking…the moment she says her first word (which will probably be “DaDa”) and the day she says a full clear sentence.

I personally cried when my daughter read to me for the first time.

The hugs and laughter…the silly moments, dancing, playing dress up, being the one she runs to when she falls and hurts her knee and then looks at you as if you know magic when you wipe her tears and kiss her “booboo”. The handmade Mother’s Day cards, Christmas cards, and Valentines.

The day she starts shopping in the Junior Miss department and you have to explain to her the difference between a whore and a respectable young lady (actual conversation with my daughter blog to come later).

You life will take on a whole new meaning. Your values and outlook will change for the better. You will want to be the best YOU that you can be so that your little girl has a great role model in her life.

The bond between you and your little one will be one that can last through anything…so be good to her and treat her well, bring her up in the best way possible…that way you won’t end up in a shitty nursing home when you can’t wipe your own ass…

Love you Always… your Friend til the end,

Kera

 

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