The Best Man’s Apology; after the “party”

 bachelor-party

Allow me to set the scene:

It’s the morning of Mark and Julia’s wedding. Julia has called off the wedding after gaining knowledge of the goings on at the bachelor party the night before. Andrew, the best man, feels as though he ought to take responsibility for being the cause of all the hysteria of the party. He has finally managed to talk Julia into sitting down with him in a private room, in hopes to save the planed wedding, so that Mark and Julia can have their happily ever after…

 Here’s is Marks apology (Julia’s words are not printed, so you’ll just have to use your imagination):

Hey there! Wow you look really good. Look at you! Just Ravishing! Have I told you that you look ravishing? Well, you do. Wait am I supposed to be seeing you before the wedding? I don’t know…

 What’s that?

 Last night?

 What about it? oh right… Funny you should bring that up. Funny like ironic not funny ha ha

 No no I agree completely; Last night, with the possible exception of that botched liquor  store  robbery,   

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was not funny in the least. From the face tattoos to the four hours of drunk dials, to the naked cartwheels in front of your parent’s house, our bachelor party behavior was completely immature, irresponsible…out right juvenile to say the least. A fact that’s being made increasingly clear as the LSD wears off and I’m slowly beginning to regain the use of my appendages.

 imagesTTJJ1W91naked-man-cartwheel

Want you to know that I not only came here this morning to apologize and reaffirm my commitment to the faithful execution of my role as best man, but also to return these bridesmaids dresses that were loaned to a pair of truck stop transsexuals for the evening. I was told that Tide To Go Pen will get those stains right out, fairly easily…

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 Also, I want to ask you to get off of my man Mark’s back. Apart from our ill-fated visit to the goat pen at Old man Hooper’s petting zoo, none of our activities were Mark’s ideas. Mark’s a really bang up guy, seriously, you two are going to be great together. And you know what they say, “Don’t judge a book by its behavior while hopped up on Mescaline and Teddy grahams…” right?

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Oh come on now. Mark is the same husband material guy who fell in love with you and accidentally got you pregnant. I don’t take seriously his repeated declaration that he would much rather marry me than you, and you shouldn’t either. We all know it’s a fact that men say some of the most outlandish things when they’re dropping acid. And his frequent references to you as the “Hefty Harlot of Harrisburg” are no exception…

 What’s that?

 Oh you didn’t know he called you that…

 No please don’t cry, never mind my saying that, I was just kidding anyway. Trying to make you smile is all. It was actually Ray who called you that. Yeah, definitely Ray. What a douche! What’s he even doing here?

 He’s your brother? Really? Wow! In that case, I’d like to take a moment to apologize for the whole “Ray’s a douche” thing. My bad…

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Come again? You have to stop crying I can’t understand what you’re saying…

 Oh no, that’s just a scratch. Thanks for asking though.

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Yeah Mark broke off my car’s antennae and stabbed me with it. No big deal. Don’t worry; I’m going to wear three undershirts today. Wouldn’t want to mess up the pictures, right? Ha Ha!

But anyway; like I was saying, I feel really…just plain awful about everything that went down last night. Especially the parts that I actually remember.

 But you have to keep in mind that this was the very first bachelor party that Mark and I have ever attended. How were we to know where to draw the line? You know, good and bad, clean fun verses criminal excess? I mean yes, in the light of day, my decision to blare “Damn it feels good to be a gangsta” outside the Nas concert seems regrettable, but things are not as clear at one in the morning with a forty ounce of King Cobra and 15 White Castle Sliders in your belly. Not that I’m trying to use that as an excuse or anything like that…inexcusable…absolutely!

 If I might, though, be permitted to speak a word in my defense…there are many things that I was unaware of before last night. For example, I had no idea your sister was a stripper, and it should not be assumed that Mark recognized her as she makes a very convincing Xena Warrior Princess. Also, the ether had kicked in LONG before she got there.

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Additionally, I had no idea about Mark’s “history” with your sister the stripper, his fondness of urinating out of moving vehicles, his loathing of local law enforcement officials, or his peanut allergy. Had I known these things, the night probably…NO it WOULD have gone a little…no A LOT differently. At the very least it likely would not have involved the fire department or a six inch hypodermic needle being jabbed directly into his heart.

 OK…WOW! You’re yelling about Mark’s diabetes like somehow I knew about it before he got to the ER…Honestly, in the six years I’ve known him, it hasn’t come up.

 Yes, I realize your big kiss today might not be as passionate since Mark put all those cigarette out on his tongue, but that doesn’t mean he’s not just as great with kids as you always thought he would be.

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What do you mean “tried to kill him”? Come on, let’s not get hysterical. He told me he’d siphoned gas with his mouth before!

 APTOPIX Superstorm Sandy

Ok, well I can see you’re in no mood to discuss this rationally, so I’m going to hook myself up to that saline drip again…

 Listen, we could stand here all day long going back and forth about who totaled whose Lexus, who gave Roofies to whose sister, and who will likely be going to court-ordered rehab, but that’s just going to upset you and aggravate my coke-ravaged sinuses. Just know that I’m sorry about the whole thing, and given the chance, I would take back most of what happened after 9pm.

Let’s just focus on what this weekend is really about. You look beautiful. You love Mark.

 LOOK! He had his stomach pumped and you guys have a very hallucinogen-free future to look forward to. So dwelling on anything else will only distract us from the miracle of love.

Soooooo…Still friends?

Awe, no hugs? Ok I get it.

This was good for us. Good talk. I’ll see you out there…

 jilted

 

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